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All that really matters

I worry too much, so from now on I'm not going to.

I am going to have gratitude for the wonderful things in my life. Those things that I don't have which I want I will work to obtain. I am also blessed to have the confidence to believe in that statement.

Just Live

"Work is a necessary evil that must be avoided at all costs" Mark Twain

Do what you love.
ZMP

A New Dawn

'The Times They are a Changin'' was a phrase that looked over me through most of my college years. It resided on a poster of Bob Dylan, which traveled to every dorm room that I inhabited for my six year stint in University. Countless hours were spent thinking about Dylan as the 17 year old that was present in the photo, imagining how he would create his lyrics, where his motivation came from, and what kind of thoughts he had going through his head during his early years.

The phrase in itself isn't that revolutionary or eye-opening. Yes, times change. When Henry Ford rolled the first Model-T off the construction line, change was happening. When Rosa Parks wouldn't give up her seat, change was happening, and when a computer genius named Bill Gates quit college to form Microsoft, change was happening.

So what are the big changes that Gen Y faces? We've been labeled the ADD generation, unable to focus on anything of significance for more than 5 seconds. I personally blame parents for letting us watch too much TV, and not forcing us to go outside to play baseball with the neighborhood. Although parents can't seriously be pinned for this one, the amount of technology that we've grown up with can be.

We take for granted that at any moment, for free and in a nanosecond, the corners of the earth can be connected. The world has sped up exponentially since the internet and cell phones have become necessities. Good thing, right? Business gets done faster, families stay in touch easier, what more could we want?

Don't get me wrong, I am far from Amish, and enjoy the fruits of modern communication as much as the next guy, if not more.(I have more than 1600 facebooks friends-I know...) However, during my daily checking of e-mails, profile surfing and picture stalkings, I sometimes wonder what all this information at our fingertips is leading to.

One can only imagine the day when the first computer is implanted into one's brain/eye, allowing us to access the world's knowledge with a single thought. The world's first face transplant just took place, making it possible for "Face Off" with John Travolta and Nick Cage to become a reality, just showing we're not that far off...

The point is, as man becomes smarter, as our need for protection is fulfilled, as we continue to evolve as a species, our minds will be altered much more than our bodies. Evolution favors the intelligent these days, and although strength and physical stature still hold high value in our society, due to the likelihood of healthy offspring, soon these traits will give way to the more beneficial attributes of high brain functioning.

This has most likely already begun to happen, and will only increase in the next few generations. I wish to be around when people can communicate mind to mind. These days, to make a claim of telekinesis is dooming yourself to receive parallel labels that witches received when women presented any type of intelligence just under two centuries ago. Luckily labels don't kill, although extremists do...

I hope that when man does become brave enough to explore this new frontier, we won't execute another witchhunt for our evolutionarily progressive.

First we need to stop being flashed by light every two seconds. Try listening to some Bob Dylan, he might inspire you to take a new road.

Much love,
ZMP

Update

Our season is slowly wrapping up here in Israel. This experience has been amazing, from living in a foreign country by myself, playing professional athletics, to meeting the incredible people here. There have been many challenges, a lot of ups and down, making for one hell of a ride.

It hasn't been easy. Not everything went the way I wanted it to, and to be honest, I think I would have been disappointed if everything had. With three games left, I am filled with a feeling of thankfulness for having had this opportunity. It's hard to remember a time when I felt so lucky.

I'll be back in Minneapolis this summer, working out, and figuring out where I'll be next year. My counter is broken, so I'm not sure if people are still reading this, but I wanted to thank those of you that I have heard from. Your kind words inspire me to live to the fullest of my potential, and I will continue to do so.

Live Full,
ZMP

Ego

I read a few books by Eckhart Tolle a while back suggesting that humankind's greatest downfall is our ego. He is stunningly eloquent in his arguments, and when I finished reading "The Power of Now", and "A New Earth", I was convinced that man should be rid of this evil device once and for all.

In Frued's dated view, he defined the ego as a regulator between the Id and the superego, a place between our desires for immediate gratification and our need for higher purpose, that lay partially in the conscious, preconscious, and also partially in the subconscious. Confused? I was too when I learned about it in freshman Psych. The problem with Frued's definition is that it's very soft in nature. He works on more of a theoretical level of being, a mixture of philosophy and science that leaves you wondering(as a scientist) what proof he has comprised...

Tolle's idea of the ego is much different, and also more relavent for today's world. His ideas revolve around the idea that people become trapped in their own self-concepts, which are formed by life experiences. We can therefore never truly be happy, because we live our lives within strictly formed guidelines that have been erected even from our days as infants.

The ego, as Tolle explains, protects these self-concepts, allowing us to grasp what this world is, and how it should function., regardless how fleeting that hold actually is.

In order to reach enlightenment, one must be able to see beyond self-concepts,-this can accomplished by releasing the ego.(Tolle's explains a number of methods, many resembling meditations of Buddhist origin)

I really enjoyed reading Tolle, and still practice many of his lessons, as they have led me to a much more peaceful way of living. (look him up on youtube , listen to him speak, and you'll understand)

The thing I take issue with is this idea of the Ego. What he sees as utopia is a world in which no one practices self-concept, no one relies on their ego, and everyone lives in equality. In order for this to happen, we would all have to rid ourselves of self-concepts, therefore creating an ego-free world. The fact of the matter remains, everyone is currently living with an ego(save Tolle and a few select others), so we have two choices.

One is go Tolle's route, lived enlightened, be understood by few, feel peace and love every moment of life, or, deal with people as they are, and learn how to get along in the world that is.
Progressive thinkers like Tolle always inspire me to re-invent myself, and not care about what the world thinks, yet short of shacking up in a hut like Christopher McCandless from Into the Wild, I'm taking my chances with being a part of society, and keeping the enlightened side of me for more personal affairs.

I have experimented with expanding and shrinking my ego in public spaces, in other words increasing and descreasing my self-concept or the importance with which I value myself as opposed to others, and I have found that a balance is necessary to navagate social situations effectively. When an ego is allowed to fill a room, it is easily attacked through slander, social movements, etc., while having no ego nearly erases your existence from the present moment.

That balance is a great place to be, somewhere between world's biggest asshole and a nobody. A simple meditation and focus on the word "balance" will guide your mind to where it needs to go. Picture the word, and breathe deeply while staying attentive to people around you. You will soon find that any mindset will become true if you believe it. With this in mind, we can form the world around us using self-concepts and concepts of society as a tool to guide us all to peace rather than have them be a hinderence to our survival as a race.

All of this assumes people want the best not only for them, but also for others. A risk, yes. But one worth taking in my estimation.

I wish you all a very happy, healthy and joy-filled holiday season.
Much love,
ZMP

New Day

Ends up I might never be a prophet. Turns out that modern day prophets might not even exist. It seems as though I am a 2nd division basketball player in Israel , not sure exactly what I want from life, other than to keep a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I'm exhausted from trying to be something that people can look up to and follow.

Hopefully what I do from here on out will be something of substance that others can follow, but this will no longer be the parameter with which I will live my life. There are no parameters to life. You do what you love, keep your loved ones close, and smile because it ends before it begins.

Another revelation Zach? You don't say? Where did this one come from? Well, I'll tell ya...
(mine will come as a surprise to me, mine I'll leave to chance and chemistry...(cheers if you get this))

I looked at a picture in my apartment last night. The picture is of a window with it's shudders open. When I first gazed at it, I thought about what might be inside, first thought being that of some sort of monster.(It was actually one of the dark-seekers from "I Am Legend") Then I tried to picture something lovely, and I saw a picturesque woman in a flowing white gown step to the sill.

It struck me that this exercise was symbolic of life, in that it is what you want it to be.

All day today I walked around thinking about the word "positive". I meditated the shit out of it. Regardless of my situation, I used this word in my head as context for how to approach each and every encounter. Today I got a job for the summer, had my best practice of the year, and cooked a masterpiece...

All because of one little word.

I guess it's looking on the bright side, you can choose your cliche, but today I felt it. I was challenged constantly by my friends and people around me to fall into habit, to complain about something that really didn't matter. Today I simply refused. And it felt good. I greeted people with smiles. They responded. I sang in the streets and didn't quiet when I passed people.(which btw is a great little social experiment if you ever want to test your fortitude) I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself for being so serious, then laughed harder when I thought about how many possibilities this world has to offer, and how we sometimes don't see opportunities right in front of our faces! I joined Twitter!!! Today was a great day, and tomorrow can only get better.

Much love,
ZMP

Reality

As I read Barak Obama's 2006 book "The Audacity of Hope" which outlines his "Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream", a main point that seems to repeat itself, and which I happen to agree with, is that America needs to focus more attention on the education of our youth. I think most would agree this is crucial to the bettering of our society as a whole. While Barak focuses on governmental increases in spending and the benefits of schoolteachers, my attention is drawn elsewhere, mainly towards how I learned as a child, and how this new generation is currently gaininig it's knowledge.

Sure, when it comes to technical jobs, formal schooling and education seems the logical path. But where do we learn "how to live"? Where do we learn how to make proper social engagements, and how to treat people that we interact with on a daily basis? For me, the answer was professional athletes, my parents and family, my teammates and also largely the people that I saw on TV. Yes, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air taught me that a good rhyme can lighten any situation...

I have a good friend who is an actor in Hollywood, who complains about reality shows and how they take the jobs of good actors such as himself, and give them to no-talent hacks. Besides the jobs of young inspiring actors, this new wave of Reality television takes something extremely valuable away from our culture; that being positive role models in the public eye.

We can spend all the money we want on restructuring the educational system, which will inevitably provide better books, teachers, etc(and which WILL ultimately help), but when kids go home and watch TV, this is where they learn "how to be". Unfortunately what they are seeing now is a bunch of spoiled rotten attention-hounding losers with no real skills or talents that should be learned. (Certainly learning how to "be hot" cannot count as a guiding lesson)

Paris Hilton, Kim Kardasian, Nicole Richie, the entire cast and all seasons of The Hills-at least Brittney Spears can dance!(or at least used to be able to dance) The entertainment industry has been stripped of all it's soul, in exchange for a market that sells sluttiness, extravegence, and over-indulgence. The days when Janis Joplin could be a pop star are long gone, replaced by an era that has no voice; instead a digitally enhanced recording, due to the original being an earsore.

Perhaps this is entertainment of a new age. A time when we can all put on our TV sets, Ipods and laptops and just stop thinking for 5-6 hours. A time to relax, and enjoy what we have and not worry about things. After all, this isn't like the 60's. Why try and cause a stir? We are so comfortable in our little lives that we never think of anything different.

"Shit, I voted for Barak, he'll change things, I'm gonna go grab a joint and watch survivor!"

Not the worst existence, yet I believe we can have much much better. If we really want to educate our country, I think it starts with providing the youth with positive role models. Unfortunately, it appears as though "sex sells" has become our national slogan.

Today, try turning off the TV and reading something about anything. Learn something besides how to act like a bitch. Go on Wikipedia if need be! I know, Bear Grills is eating a Zebra, it's awesome, but how many times have you seen him do it? Fuck, go find a Zebra and eat it yourself! At least there's an experience in that.

Here's to changing pace!

Much love,
ZMP

Truth

Veritas, the latin word for truth, was the official credo of Harvard University. From the moment I stepped foot into Harvard Yard as a freshman, I was both enamored and frantically confused at it's meaning. At first, it seemed as though there were some ultimate truth, as if through four years of liberal arts core curriculum you could somehow become steeped in the vast knowledge of all that was true and just in this world. I have to admit, some of my classes did make my think a good amount about it...

So what then, is truth? It appears to me that we all have our individual truths, morals that we hold near and dear, in order to protect our way of living, guiding our everyday interactions in both our public and private lives. There are public truths, such as laws, that guide our actions strictly when we are in public, and sometimes even in private, for example, when we violate noise ordinances. These truths are fairly easy to come by and to understand.

As a child, like many others, I was born to parents that raised me in the same religion that they had been brought up, and I learned what it was to be moral through bible stories and the corresponding teachings. Most of these lessons were solid, as most bible lessons are-don't kill, steal, rape, etc...

However, as I got older, I began to question where these morals actually came from. It might be hard to argue against "thou shalt not kill", yet in certain circumstances today, like self-defense and the death penalty, it is perfectly acceptable. So where have these truths come from?

When Moses reach Mt. Sinai and delivered the tablets to the Israelites perhaps? I always wondered why God had to be such an exclusive entity. I mean, if he were omni-potent/powerful, why not reveal himself to the whole of humanity and settle all these silly disputes over who is right once and for all? The religious crowd would most likely argue, "It is God's test to see who truly has faith". God has been playing too many games if you ask me. It's like saying god has allowed human atrocities for millennia because he wants to test our resolve?! Really? How about some help there big guy...

I digress-the truths that I held onto throughout my childhood, such as be good to all people, and lend a hand to those less fortunate have been tested during my young adult life. Like a tattered scooner limping from a hurricane I continue to believe that people are inherently good, even though I have witnessed overwhelming evidence of the contrary. As a man who adheres to the scientific process as a grounds for truth, a part of me wants to rethink my hypothesis, perhaps something more to the tune of, "People are good, except when presented with an opportunity to better their financial or social position, which leads to the majority of people assuming the role of asshole."

But this is life, as I have come to learn. People will be assholes, and the ideals and morals that have been installed in me often times will not found in others, and visa versa. I however, will continue what has become my moral inquisition on the whole of humanity. Perhaps I need to find others like me, who think like me, in order to streamline this process. I really don't want to change anyone, and in an ideal world I would escape to some far off mountain range like in Atlas Shrugged, and live a life where I didn't have to question the morals of others. This is of course rather arrogant of me to think that I have a set of values that are worth adhering to, but this is my truth, and I do think they are worth living for.

The search continues :)

Much love,
ZMP

10 years

When a person plays sports, there are certain events that stand out as the most exciting, usually eliciting a roar from the crowd. In basketball, that play is the dunk. I started dunking in the 7th grade, and had my first official(that is in a refereed game) dunk when I was in 9th grade when I was playing with the sophomore team at Hopkins High School. It was brilliant-I was guarding the star sophomore from Cooper near half court, he tried to dribble past me, and I picked his pocket, flew to the other end, and gracefully slammed the ball home. Then came the drought...10th, 11th, 12th, ALL of college I didn't see myself above the rim once. Not that I wasn't able to dunk, I simply preferred to take the sure-fire route of making a lay-up, an almost perfect percentage when compared with dunking. At times, I felt like Woody Harrelson from "White Men Can't Jump". I was fine not dunking, and instead focused on playing hard defense, making good passes and taking the shot when I had it...though deep down I always wanted to expand what I was able to do.

Now, in my most recent game, I did just that. I had sat out the previous game with an ankle sprain, but had been feeling physically dominant most of this year due to the amount of lifting and shooting I had been doing. I laced up my ankle brace, and was ready for the battle. Late in the 4th quarter my teammate drove the lane, dropped off a perfect bounce pass which I caught in the midst of drop-stepping to the hoop. I rose up above my defender, lifted the ball high, and threw it through the hoop with the full force of my body rattling the rim. Plus, the foul.

That's right, after 10 years of not dunking, I am back in the game, and it feels damn good. Psychologically this has done me wonders. The next day I went to shoot and the rim looked lower than usual. I measured it 3 times to be sure, but it was still 10 feet. My entire mentality has shifted to make the hoop seem closer to the ground!

Also, I very easily could have laid the ball up, but instead I chose to take the risk of dunking it, and it paid off. A big part of the reason I'm here playing basketball is to challenge myself to be the best basketball player I can possibly be. When I consciously take these types of risks, it makes me believe I am on the right path, which to me means everything.

Much love,
ZMP

Next

It's official,(according to my latest poll) god is the energy of the universe and whatever we want. I am so happy that I can finally put that question to rest and move on with my life.

On another note, why does major league baseball seem so naive when it comes to steroids? I don't know about you, but I watch baseball to see 600 foot home runs, not pitching duels. If a little juice will make the ball go farther, why not? The argument is that steroids are bad for the person, and/or they provide an unfair advantage for the players who do decide to take them. The reality is that people make all sorts of bad decisions about their health, and they are allowed to, and should be allowed to. It's a Utilitarian idea, but if a person chooses to hurt themself, they should be allowed to, given that they don't hurt anyone else. If it's not steroids, it's going to be something else. Professional athletes no longer train naturally-I mean EVERYONE is on something. When I was playing basketball at Minnesota, I was on 4 different energy/muscle enhancers, and that was the AMATEUR level! It's a new day for professional sports, and if we want to be entertained, we may have to broaden our idea of what is an acceptable practice.

The world has become obsessed with being politically correct, and it makes me want to puke. We want to see highlights, but we don't want the athletes to do what it takes to get there. We want our athletes to be cool, but not too cool. Michael Phelps smokes pot and now he is the enemy of the state. I'm more upset with Phelps for being a spineless baby by giving an apology that was so rehearsed, forced and insincere that it made me wonder if there are any real heroes still out there. I would have loved for him to stand up and say, "Yeah, I smoked pot. I got high and I ate Doritos. It was awesome." Given, what he did made the police drop charges, which is nice, I just wish celebrities would show a bit more "chutzpah" when confronted with challenges that are issues outside of their normal range.

Jesse Ventura(who I had a 10 minute argument with over who won in a HS Football game between his Champlin Park Rebels and my Hopkins Royals) recently called out Bud Selig(MLB Commisioner), saying that he should be under investigation, just as Vince McMahon was in the WWE. (World Wrestling Entertainment) By the way, Bud Selig makes 17 million dollars a year. There has been so much controversy with this man, I think it's about time he gives some answers on how so many players got away with using illegal substances for over two decades. Accountablity I say!

Sports need a new hero. Someone who resembles Rocky in his "I come from the people" stance. Even hip-hip's cleanest man, Chris Brown, is beating women. Shit is ugly. But hey, no where to go but up!

In conclusion, we should regulate steroids to allow athletes to reach their physical zenith, and should encourage our public figures to grow a set and use them.

Love,
ZMP

The Search

This whole searching for the grand meaning of life as a 26 year old is exhausting. When speaking with the brother via email, he said something that struck at home. He said that used to think that it would be a shame to die not knowing the meaning of life, but that now he is content to not know. It inspired me to hear that a man I look up to so much could alter his ideas as life goes along.

My views have changed as well. Some days it seems like the world makes complete sense, with interactions and nature flowing together as a harmonious symphony. These days are becoming more and more frequent as I continue to explore my independence. When the grand questions are laid to rest, we have the capacity to experience actual life. My mental focus for years was purely on things that I could not understand. I think about what drove me to think about the great "why" so much.

I was raised with the idea that I should do everything that I am capable of. What then, could be my limit as a human being? Most kids think about professions. I always wanted to be a prophet. Someone who was truly inspiring to millions of people, someone who made this world a better place for everyone. They say shoot for the stars, I was aiming for Heaven.

After I "came out" in such a public manner, I was confused for a long time. Not because of what I did, but of how I did it. Many people congratulated me and told me what a wonderful thing it was for me to do, and how I had helped them in great ways. These stories always put a smile on my face, and I will forever appreciate the kind words I heard from so many people.

However, at what cost to MY life? Yes, a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was able to explore my sexuality, and found a more secure sense of self through it all. Also, I received a good amount of attention, and I must admit, I enjoyed taking a stance on an issue that was pertinent to my life. I guess it's alright. I guess I've opened my eyes to things I may not have seen otherwise. Fuck it, I'm moving on.

If I'm willing to sacrifice like this for things I want done, this world better get ready.

Much love,
ZMP

Consistency

There's something innately wonderful about a dream. It contains at the same time your deepest wants and needs, along with none of the effort necessary to accomplish them. During your dream, you can be in your heaven without paying an entrance fee.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be something special. Not special, rather, colossal. I still want this, although I now recognize that it takes much more than dreaming to achieve what you want. I remember thinking of ways that I could pave a new path. I was an athlete, civil rights had been taken, and so had women's (plus I wasn't a woman), so what was left?

The only group still struggling in athletic fields seemed to be Gays. I didn't know if I was gay, but this idea of paving a path, and helping people was something that appealed to my soul as something worthy to do with my life. Getting to professional athletics seemed a daunting task, considering I quit my best sport(football) after freshman year to indulge in the numbness of drugs. I picked basketball back up, but was undersized.(I'm working on switching positions right now) So despite my best efforts at completely destroying my athletic ability, I am now a professional basketball player. Part 1 of the dream fulfilled.

The gay part came much more suddenly and in dramatic fashion when I announced to a crowd that I was gay. To me, this was the completion of my calling, what I was meant to do.(pave the path for gay athletes) I can't explain to you how many days of my life I had committed to dreaming about this outcome-just know that it had become an obsession. However, there was only one problem, I'm wasn't gay. I've contemplated faking it just so I could still help others, but reconciled that I would never be able to live a lie like that, so now I am in a unique position.

I'm playing professional sports, and have a title attached to me(that I asked for) that is not accurate. The problem isn't so much a personal one, as I believe that a person can be whomever and whatever they want to be, and they can change that on a daily basis if they so choose. However, this sort of lifestyle makes relationships extremely difficult to maintain, chiefly because consistency is a trait that creates warmth and understanding, and without it, roles in relationships are hard to find. I've never been a fan of roles, yet I aim to be more consistent and realistic for myself, so that I can work towards my grandiose goals rather than imagining that they will simply come to life as I did before.

Day by day as they say.

Much love,
ZMP

Cancer Free

Recently a baby girl was born in London who carried the title of being "cancer-free". http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/09/uk.cancerfree.baby/index.html This child, in her embryonic form, was screened for the disease, making sure that the gene connected with certain forms of cancer(ovarian and breast) was non existent in her code. This raises a number of issues.

On the bright side, this could be the first step in securing our health for future generations. If we are able to isolate malicious genes, and eliminate the chance of having them before we're born, humans are putting themselves at a "natural" advantage in reproductive cycles. This could be a truly wonderful thing. Imagine if everyone were screened for the risk of cancer, Alzheimers, and other harmful diseases-we could systematically eradicate hundreds of thousands of early deaths-thanks to science.

However, from an evolutionary standpoint, there is a problem here. Darwin's natural selection theory has given us a method to describe how we have "effectively mutated" over the millenia. The strong survive, and the weak die, and thus, strong healthy genes are carried on, and the others are not. If we were to screen those weak genes, and allow everyone to have these strong reproductive genes, we would in a sense be fastforwarding through countless generations of genes that would have had to battle to survive. What if we miss an important adaptation along the way, that could only have been developed through true natural selection?

It makes me feel as though humans have caught up with God, and now we are beginning to create by ourselves. I have to ask, is it a good thing if we allow everyone to be healthy? The obvious answer is yes, but what about the world population? If disease weren't a natural control on our numbers, what would we do? If everyone is screened to be healthy, then we'd have to implement a control on how many children were allowed to be born. The world is over-populated as is...

Side note: If we can siffen out cancer, how long until we are able to choose what our babies look like, how smart they are, etc...Will two stupid people with a lot of money be able to genetically alter their child into a superhuman?

Scientists claim that the procedure is too expensive now for regular people to do it, but who knows what could happen in the future? Also, they say that in order for a couple to have this screening, the fertilization of the egg must occur in a lab.

Real sex vs. superhuman child, you decide.

Much love,
ZMP

Oranges

2 days ago I went to do Yoga with a good friend of mine in Raanana. The sun was shining bright, I hadn't slept for two days, and Yoga was just what the doctor ordered. If you've ever not slept for 48+ hours, you know the mindset that I was in. Everything had a surreal glow to it, and all normal events seemed to carry with them a genuine significance of things much greater.

We had our usual conversation, consisting of relationships, meaning, being new to Israel, pursuits of the mind, inspiration and so on. I felt great, and was itching to get home and into my bed. As I drove her home, she asked if I liked oranges, and of course I said yeah. She claimed there was a place where you could get free oranges. I couldn't fathom how this could be a realistic option.

She navigated the car nearly 5 minutes through some dirt roads off of the main street, and suddenly the car was surrounded by a countryside of oranges. I pulled off into one of the rows of trees, and felt transformed back into a child at Disneyland, as though every single orange was there strictly for my picking.

She went one way, I the other, each searching for our perfect orange. She returned within a minute, orange freshly peeled, and watched me continue to search for mine. She told me how to choose a good one.(Since these were the large kind, there was a special tactic.) "You want a nice orange color, squeezable to the touch, and when you smell it, the more "orangie" the better." Easy enough.

For 1o minutes I searched, squeezing, smelling, climbing, ripping, tasting, but I could not find my orange. So, I grabbed the nearest orange, peeled it halfway , ate what I could through the opening in the skin, and then through it away.

My friend looked at me and said, "You know, that orange is a metaphor for your life." Interested, I asked her to elaborate, to which she replied, "You know exactly what you want from life, just as you know exactly what kind of orange you want. You search and search for it, not realizing that in your pursuit you are actually gaining the knowledge to find what it is you came for, and then when you are close, you give up and settle for something much less than you deserve."

Shocked would be one way to say it. Stunned perhaps more accurate. She was right. Now, I had seen the orange field mainly as a metaphor for my personal relationships, but I think it could be applied to many other parts of my life as well. The point was that I was settling for less than I deserved, mainly due to my lack of patience. (and consciousness as well)

Hope you all find your oranges...

Much love,
ZMP

Young Adulthood

18-25. The college years. The years when a person usually turns independent and learns the harsh realities of the "real world". Not for me. The last 7+ years of my life have been a fairytale. Unfortunately not the kind that ends when a prince meets the love of his life and we live happily ever after, no, my fairytale was more like Alice in Wonderland. Before college, things were easy, school, friends, sports, and it looked to get even better in going to Harvard.

Shit turned south as soon as I forgot what had gotten me to where I was, which was hard work, focus, and staying positive. When I quit football after my freshman year, I thought it was cool, and bragged to my friends how I had told off the coach when I quit. Since I wasn't playing sports, my focus shifted to destructive things that sent my life in a down-swirl. That is, until I transferred to MN. I may have gotten my athletic psyche back, but I got caught up in the whole atmosphere of being a college athlete, which seriously distracted me from the great goal of "finding yourself" which is supposed to take place during college. I gave into the primitive game of "Who's the alpha male?" and was actually pretty damn good at it. Just didn't give me that inner peace that I longed for.

Struggles after struggles, I could go on for ages about how "in my head" I was, and how normal social interactions and conversation were a burden, but I'd rather fast forward to now.

18-25 is in my past. It no longer exists anywhere except in my mind. I turn 26 in less than two weeks. Crazy how time flies, the last 7 were a blink of the eye.

I think I'd like to return to my own way of living, and find people who think like I do. This might take some serious change.

Much love,
ZMP