Friday, February 6, 2009

The Search

This whole searching for the grand meaning of life as a 26 year old is exhausting. When speaking with the brother via email, he said something that struck at home. He said that used to think that it would be a shame to die not knowing the meaning of life, but that now he is content to not know. It inspired me to hear that a man I look up to so much could alter his ideas as life goes along.

My views have changed as well. Some days it seems like the world makes complete sense, with interactions and nature flowing together as a harmonious symphony. These days are becoming more and more frequent as I continue to explore my independence. When the grand questions are laid to rest, we have the capacity to experience actual life. My mental focus for years was purely on things that I could not understand. I think about what drove me to think about the great "why" so much.

I was raised with the idea that I should do everything that I am capable of. What then, could be my limit as a human being? Most kids think about professions. I always wanted to be a prophet. Someone who was truly inspiring to millions of people, someone who made this world a better place for everyone. They say shoot for the stars, I was aiming for Heaven.

After I "came out" in such a public manner, I was confused for a long time. Not because of what I did, but of how I did it. Many people congratulated me and told me what a wonderful thing it was for me to do, and how I had helped them in great ways. These stories always put a smile on my face, and I will forever appreciate the kind words I heard from so many people.

However, at what cost to MY life? Yes, a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was able to explore my sexuality, and found a more secure sense of self through it all. Also, I received a good amount of attention, and I must admit, I enjoyed taking a stance on an issue that was pertinent to my life. I guess it's alright. I guess I've opened my eyes to things I may not have seen otherwise. Fuck it, I'm moving on.

If I'm willing to sacrifice like this for things I want done, this world better get ready.

Much love,

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