Tuesday, January 20, 2009


There's something innately wonderful about a dream. It contains at the same time your deepest wants and needs, along with none of the effort necessary to accomplish them. During your dream, you can be in your heaven without paying an entrance fee.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be something special. Not special, rather, colossal. I still want this, although I now recognize that it takes much more than dreaming to achieve what you want. I remember thinking of ways that I could pave a new path. I was an athlete, civil rights had been taken, and so had women's (plus I wasn't a woman), so what was left?

The only group still struggling in athletic fields seemed to be Gays. I didn't know if I was gay, but this idea of paving a path, and helping people was something that appealed to my soul as something worthy to do with my life. Getting to professional athletics seemed a daunting task, considering I quit my best sport(football) after freshman year to indulge in the numbness of drugs. I picked basketball back up, but was undersized.(I'm working on switching positions right now) So despite my best efforts at completely destroying my athletic ability, I am now a professional basketball player. Part 1 of the dream fulfilled.

The gay part came much more suddenly and in dramatic fashion when I announced to a crowd that I was gay. To me, this was the completion of my calling, what I was meant to do.(pave the path for gay athletes) I can't explain to you how many days of my life I had committed to dreaming about this outcome-just know that it had become an obsession. However, there was only one problem, I'm wasn't gay. I've contemplated faking it just so I could still help others, but reconciled that I would never be able to live a lie like that, so now I am in a unique position.

I'm playing professional sports, and have a title attached to me(that I asked for) that is not accurate. The problem isn't so much a personal one, as I believe that a person can be whomever and whatever they want to be, and they can change that on a daily basis if they so choose. However, this sort of lifestyle makes relationships extremely difficult to maintain, chiefly because consistency is a trait that creates warmth and understanding, and without it, roles in relationships are hard to find. I've never been a fan of roles, yet I aim to be more consistent and realistic for myself, so that I can work towards my grandiose goals rather than imagining that they will simply come to life as I did before.

Day by day as they say.

Much love,

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